Monday, March 31, 2008

Opening Day

Okay, guys. Here's the story of my Sunday night and Monday morning. You ready?

I got home from the Sunday Sox/Dodgers game at about 5 pm, and I took my dog out for a walk. I used my back stairs, which face the driveway of my apartment building, and which lead to my locked back door. There is no gate or door at the bottom of the staircase at the driveway, though. That's important.

At 9 pm, I decided to take my dog out for her last walk of the night. I got almost all the day down the stairs, but when I hit the fourth step from the bottom, my right foot hit something, and I went flying backwards in the air. I landed hard on my posterior (the right side) and my right forearm. I, thankfully, did not hit my head. I also, miraculously, did not let go of my dog's leash. So, I was lying there, understandably confused, wondering just what the hell I slipped on. Right now, I wish it was still a mystery, because I'm certain this will haunt me for the rest of my life. What do you think it was?

Well, if you guessed human feces, congratulations! That's right. On my stairs, and on my pants and sweatshirt, was the largest pile of human defecation you have ever seen in your lives. I didn't even know what to do, so I just froze for a few seconds. Then I realized what I was covered in, and I hightailed it back up the stairs, shedding my clothing as I went. Everything I was wearing went immediately into the trashcan, and I got into the shower.

I didn't know what to think at first, but then I figured out that a homeless person must have seen my dark staircase as quite the inviting place for his/her evening duties. I wasn't about to go outside again, because who knows what the hell was going on out there. So, I called the cops to get them to drive around and look for people who might be pooping in other strange places. And then I decided I wasn't about to go out in the dark to clean it up, so it was going to have to wait until morning.

I woke up early this morning to start my new boot camp program, then came home and spent an hour trying to clean the (ahem) stuff off my steps. It's still not completely gone, but there's only so much a girl can take, you know? I took a break and decided to do some dishes, and while I was washing a bowl, it broke, and cut the center of my left hand. Deep enough to bleed (and hurt) a lot, but not deep enough to need stitches. You can imagine, given my state of mind, how this incident completely sent me over the edge.

So, I was in bad shape. And I was ready for the Dodgers to show me something good to make up for all the nonsense. They did not disappoint.

Of course, I was late for the game because of all my issues. I saw the first pitch, but I missed all the ceremonies where they apparently honored many old Dodger players. This picture is all I saw of that ceremony, and this was the very end as they were leaving the field.

The Dodgers won this one pretty handily, thanks to a two-run home run from Jeff Kent and a fine performance from Brad Penny. Ethier started in left field, Jones was in center, Kemp was in right, and it sure makes you feel optimistic for the upcoming season. Of course, Ethier was hitless, and Pierre was probably on the bench thinking, "I told you so," but I don't care. One guy I was near on the way out of the park said, "If the Dodgers start 2-0, they'll never be at .500 this season." That's a bold prediction, but I like that guy's style.

Player of the Game: Rafael Furcal, back in his proper spot as the leadoff hitter. (3-4, BB, 1 RBI, 1 R)

Let's do another photo essay, shall we? My seats weren't as good today, but I think I got a few good shots in nonetheless.

Erin Andrews. This one's for Jack Cobra and all the other fellas out there who love this woman. I know I was far away. Sorry.

Brad Penny throws the first pitch of the Dodgers' 2008 season.

Ethier takes his first pitch as the official starting left fielder (it was a ball).

Furcal leaves the plate after scoring the first run (driven in on a Matt Kemp single).

Matt Kemp greets Jeff Kent at the plate after Kent's two run shot in the first.

Andruw Jones takes his first pitch as a Dodger (it was a ball).

This would explain all the traffic.

The Dodgers celebrate on the field after the victory.


DATE: 03/31/2008 10:22:51 PM

Which boot camp are you doing?

AUTHOR: Bruce Paine
DATE: 04/01/2008 01:54:06 AM

I AM SO SORRY. That is a horrible story. Really horrible. There is a psychological break humans suffer when they come into contact with human feces not of their own design, and I have a serious complex about it. Just reading this has broken me a little. I am so sorry. If it helps a little, the fear of discovering another person's feces on my personal property has led me to consider the matter at length and I am generally of the opinion that it probably wasn't a hobo, but rather a drunk walking home. I know that is little consolation, but there it is. When I lived in Bloomington the homeless question was rather limited, but since I moved to Minneapolis I am stunned with how bad the homeless problem is here. Several times I have seen guys on the street and legitimately wanted to roll down my window and yell, "Where do you crap?" I pray to God the answer isn't, "Erin's stairs!"

DATE: 04/01/2008 12:04:34 PM

Thanks, Bruce. Somehow I had a feeling a story about shit might get you out of hiding. I never really thought about having a complex regarding contact with human feces, but I certainly have one now.

If it was a drunk guy, he had been saving up for quite a while, let me tell you.

DATE: 04/03/2008 05:31:34 PM

Does laughing at a story like that make someone a bad person?

1 comment:

Kate said...

I've decided to start commenting wherever I want. There were several seconds there when I couldn't breathe.