Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Some Lifting Required

There are times -- rarely, but it happens -- when job hunting can be pretty damn entertaining. Mostly it's just depressing, like when you see the same Netflix call center job posted day after day, even though you've applied to it (twice!), but are apparently not good enough to answer phones and tell people that the movie they're looking for is C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D., which was directed by the guy who was Chairman of the NYU film department when I attended.

What you should take away from that above paragraph is that I went to the best frickin' film school in the country, and I can't get a job at a Netflix call center.

Oh, and don't get your hopes up. C.H.U.D. II is not available on Netflix.

Back to the point. The job search is not always devastating to one's self-esteem. Sometimes it's just funny. Like when you find the listing for "Crematory Operator."

Training wage starts at $15/hour! No experience required!

But that's not the best part. No, the best part is what you'll find listed under the "Physical Demands" portion of the listing:

This job will require active movement around the facility including the operation of electric lifts and handling deceased individuals. Some lifting required.


Emphasis mine. Because, really? At a crematory, where dead bodies are returned to ashes and dust (from whence they came, biblically speaking), you're telling me that the zombies (because, come on, if you're working at a crematory, all you're thinking about all day is the god damned dead returning to life to murder you and yours) don't just hop into the incinerator under their own power?

Okay, wait. I just went back and looked at the listing, and I found something even worse (or better), under the "Duties" heading:

"Light cleaning and facility maintenance."


Sure, I suppose the cremated remains of loved ones aren't all that heavy, so I guess that cleaning would be "light." But the day the crematory breaks down in the midst of its one and only job is the day I quit. And never look back.

Um, yeah. So I've submitted my application.

Wish me luck!

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